Using therapeutic strategies with families
• Altering pattern of talk to focus on agency, movement and resource can be increasingly powerful where all hear the talk
• Small changes can amplify in family system

These strategies can be particularly powerful in a conversation with a family as they open up new possibilities. Because of the systemic nature of family interaction, small changes can amplify and be surprisingly powerful. This can be particularly so when there has been a self-reinforcing spiral, or vicious circle, operating where the family takes on blame and judgment for the difficulty and feels further undermined by this. A conversation which shifts this spiral by supporting the awareness of the agency, knowledge and resource that they can draw on, can be powerful in enabling movement.

Focusing on presence rather than absence, invites a more optimistic conversation. Specifically asking what is happening in the family that they would like to keep the same can be a useful question for people. There is a wide range of other possibilities:

Researching difference between views of family members, can enable family members to hear each other with much closer detail. For instance:

"Does everybody have the same amount of concern about this, or are some more interested than others?"
"Do your mum and dad have the same idea about your finishing school or are they a bit different? How do you understand the difference?"

Imagination can be an important resource. General issues with respect to Constructing Helpful Questions are important in supporting specific practical and possibly reachable ideas with small steps.

"If we x, y, z what would happen?"
"If Mandy’s behaviour did start to shift, what difference would it make?"
"Who would notice?"
"When Mandy was a baby, did you have ideas and hopes about what sort of parent you would like to be?"
"What sort of relationship you would like with your daughter?"
"How would you like the conversation about how late Mandy can stay out, to go?"

Moving between ideas and practice can bring forward much resource in the family which might otherwise not be noticed. For instance:

"How does love show itself in this family?"
" If Johnny did start to show respect, what would he be doing?"
"You say you came here because mum wanted you to. Does that indicate some respect for her ideas, wanting her to be happy, fear of her?"
"You have taken a lot of trouble to tell me about all this, I notice a lot of strong feelings. Is this an indication of how much Johnny means to you?"
" If I was to look in the window when all this anger was happening, what would I see?"

An Example
• Using therapeutic strategies in respectful conversation about ordinary issues can support movement

Discussion of how everyday tasks are managed in a family can be surprisingly rich. Here is an amalgamated example of a conversation with a mother about dishes.

"How do you get the dishes done in your family?"
"I (mum) do them."

"Does this work for you?"
"Not really but it is easier than arguing."

"Sounds as if there is a weighing up process going on, balancing the work of doing the dishes vs wanting to live in a family with less arguing. At the moment you are not all that comfortable with how it is working out. Has there been a time when the balance was working for you?"
"Not really, I’ve always been a skivvy for the family."

"What keeps you going in that role, stops you from throwing it in?"
"Then nobody would do the dishes."

"It sounds as if you are prepared to go to quite a lot of effort to make sure things like dishes happen in this family and also to lessen the arguing. It also sounds as if there is some cost to you in getting this stuff done without arguing. Is it your commitment to your children that keeps you going with this?"
"My kids are everything to me."

"You hold a powerful commitment to your children. Do you think they realise this? Should we ask them about this, and if they see this commitment in other ways in the family?"