Diatribe of negative material
• Is this news to Johnny?
• Use power relation to manage conversation, focus on presence and bring forward values and intentions

One of the challenging situations which can arise with families is where one family member is speaking in such a negative manner about another. We then identify a risk that the talk in itself may be destructive and damaging. If we experience this level of concern we need to use the power relation to stop the conversation -

“I’d like to stop you there. Could you just hold on to what you are saying. There are a few things I’d like to check.”

We need to consider whether to separate family members, particularly if some are children. If there are substantial issues of belonging, if there is significant doubt that the family remains committed to a child or family member then separation is most useful. The likelihood of a constructive collaborative conversation is limited.

It is more common that the family holds significant commitment to the child but also strong feelings which fuel the intensity of the negative diatribe. The dialogue is heard frequently by the child. In this case for the child to stay in the room and be party a different sort of outcome to the familiar talk can support movement. Asking,

“Is this news to Johnny, is this familiar talk or is it new?”

can help clarify this. It also opens an opportunity to move away from content. This can be supported with inquiry to increase understanding and bring forward values and intention to bringing forward values and intention.

"In telling me about this what are you hoping for?"
"I noticed that the talk just seems to be tumbling out in a stream. Is it ‘I am so frustrated I just need to ventilate.’ Is it that the hurt you have experienced is so huge that you cannot hold onto it?"
"Have you tried everything you can think of and nothing works, does that feel really frustrating and is this anger part of that frustration?"

Focusing on relational presence can create movement.

"What keeps you going as a parent, seeking help for Johnny, when things feel so hopeless?"
"Do you hold some hope, against all odds, that things could get better?"
"Are there times when Johnny does some different sorts of behaviour?"

If parent persists with the negative diatribe there needs to be a respectful inquiry. For instance:

"Are you concerned I am (underestimating) not taking the difficulties you and Johnny are facing seriously enough?"
"What would let you know that I am getting enough understanding of how serious things are?"